No One Tells You

    There are things that no one tells you when give birth to a daughter. When they’re new and milk drunk with good smelling fuzzy heads, there is nothing else. In that stage of bliss, no one tells you what might happen when adolescence starts. No one tells you that your daughter, the athlete, the people pleaser who, up to the age of 12, was filled with self-confident smiles and unrelenting laughter (boy, her laugh could light up a room) will be destroyed. No one tells you that three years in middle school in what is touted as the perfect and bucolic seaside community will devastate her. No one warns you that these things are going to happen, or that your entire family will be impacted.

It started with unrelenting bullying by one girl in sixth grade and quickly escalated to more girls and eventually, sexual harassment from boys.  She was twelve years old. Throughout the course of that school year, we routinely contacted the school and, once, even sat down with the principal (a woman) to show her several vulgar screen shots and text messages. One talks about how a boy was “on the carpet stomach down and going back and forth like he was jerking off and this time I said the carpet is XXXX”. My twelve year old’s response to this text was, “can you please stop telling me this, its hurting me.” The school did nothing about the sexual harassment or the bullying. In fact, the girl who acted as ground zero, was given an award for being a wonderful human on the same day that my son was honored. He threw his awards in the trash on the way out. 

Throughout the next two years, our daughter was repeatedly ordered to “go kill” herself, called a slut, whore, and thot in school, on social media, and via text. In seventh grade she wore a pair of green, high waisted corduroy pants from Faherty Brand exactly twice, until realizing that the boys in her grade were numerically rating her body as she entered classrooms. Again, the school administration did nothing. In fact, she was routinely dress-coded throughout the year.

The friends that she’d had since 2nd grade marginalized her. From her very best friend to the girls who, when they were new to the school, my daughter made sure to include at her birthday parties so they wouldn’t feel lonely for being the “new kid.” Her former best friend and one of those “new girls” purposely slut shamed her at a birthday party — the last one she was invited to. When I reached out to the mom, I was told that the girls weren’t slut shaming my daughter, they were just making jokes. I never spoke to her again, but did find out that her husband called my thirteen year old daughter “bad news” while out to dinner with mutual acquaintances.  

As you might imagine, her mental heath began to plummet and alarmingly so. How many times can a child ask a trusted adult at school for help before she breaks? I once received a call from the school saying that she was in the guidance office and was “unrecognizable.” When I arrived, it was clear that she was having an intense anxiety attack. Her guidance counselor suggested that, “This is what tends to happen when kids start vaping.” 

By January 2, 2020, more than a year since this ordeal began, we received a letter from the Duxbury Middle School stating that she had already accumulated 7 unexcused absences for the 2019/2020 school year. Of course, we were fully aware of these absences because she was at work with me where I could watch her. I think you know why I felt the need to keep her by my side and watch her. If you're a parent, I think you also probably know the negative impact this had upon my own mental heath. By December of 2020, I was unable to function. I lost both my job and my friend/godmother of my daughter in the process. 

I’ve felt helplessness and rage and my own childhood traumas were triggered — the ones where no adults helped. The ones where the bullies are teacher’s pets and bro culture is encouraged because athletes are the school’s commodity. Where walking through the hallways, boys felt entitled to grope and grab and growl horrifying obscenities about a newly developing body. 

We recently learned that our daughter was assaulted in the cafeteria of her middle school last year and in the hallway between classes. That at thirteen years old she’d been called a “fucking slut” so many times that she didn’t see the point in bringing the assault to the attention of her school guidance counselor. Why would she, when her parents couldn’t even get the school to act? 

We’ve lived in Duxbury for seven years and I will be leaving on June 16th without a single friend. There was no one I felt able to trust or fully confide in. I’ve pulled away from some because even they have kids who continue to join in on the slut shaming and gossip that has haunted my girl. 

She’s recently been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, a processing disorder, severe depression and social phobia. She’ll be attending a private boarding school next year. We’re not sure how we’ll afford it, but she needs to be there. I’m not sure how I’ll handle leaving my daughter on a campus four years earlier than I expected to, but I will because this is going to save her. 

These are the things no one tells you when they place your perfect baby girl on your chest.