Moving On

One of the worst mistakes I’ve made was writing a memoir. 

The worst part of that mistake was writing the memoir in child voice- which means that I spent nearly a year immersed in and reliving some of the most painful moments of my life. Stupidly, I did that without therapeutic support and I’ve been paying an increasing price for the last few years. Using music, re-reading books, and even watching TV ads and shows from the 70’s and 80’s assisted me in vividly reliving some of the most traumatic events in my life. Most of those events involved my family in one way or another, either in their presence or complete absence. 

While I was able to develop empathy for my parents and understand their own histories, I also came to understand that I have spent my life trying too hard to find a positive place with some of that family. A place of acceptance, support, and love that will never exist. I have tried to fit the narrative of others and too slowly moved away from them - first literally and now spiritually. To truly begin healing, I am removing myself from their stories instead of removing myself from life.

I don’t know when I will find the strength to publish my memoir. Right now, I’m working on finding the strength to move forward. Removing the negative voices of my past - choosing to ignore them and move on - has been the hardest part. I have felt untethered, but from what? People who have had no real involvement in my life for nearly 20 years. They’re strangers now. Yet, their voices are the ones that I hear again and again. Loser, crazy, bitch... these are not the words someone who knows and loves you would ever choose.